On 22 December 2000 I concluded I was in love with him. Which is my personal idiom for being both turned on by somebody and yearning to be his friend. (As usual, if not always, the former came first in his case.)

Once again, the miracle which had previously happened with Jamie and a few others took place. On 4 May 2003 I had to conclude that we had, against all probability, indeed become friends.

Over the following years he came to be, together with Jamie, Falcon and M.o.t.W., one of the four most important people in the story of my life. He still is.

Many a time I got into a jam because of him. Many a time he helped me, even saved me. Likewise, he knew that even booze can hardly prevent me from being there if he needed me.

Fifteen years younger than me and totally hetero, I still learned a lot from him. Hopefully I gave him something too.

Since I returned from the Yaird our paths gradually diverged. Like they did with the other three after we left the Tech.

So I’m sitting here a day after the anniv and ponder whether I’m still in love with him and whether we’re still friends.

I guess so – in the sense in which this appplies to Jamie and Falcon. He still thrills me, I still love to meet him, however seldom this happens, I’m still ready to help him anytime he needs it, I’m still sure he won’t let me down if I need it.

But I no longer see everything through his eyes as well as mine.

And the fear of losing him can no longer stop me from moving on.

I no longer have him in this sense anyway.



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